Malformed Midgets with Magic: Let's Play Willow for the NES!

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Malformed Midgets with Magic: Let's Play Willow for the NES!

Post  Guest on Sat Dec 12, 2009 7:28 pm

Welcome to the Let's Play of Willow, a game for the NES based on the (awesome) movie by Ron Howard and George Lucas. You're going to see... well, a few differences in the video game. Is this is a result of natural gameplay deviation? Programming ease? Capcom's hand of evil reaching into the programmers' hearts and forcing them to commit black deeds? You decide!

A copyright statement before the actual title. Because, you know, I was going to rip this game off if it wasn't protected. Dammit.

Cue badass sounding 8-bit music.

This introduction is lying. I'm warning you right now. It lies.

Triple ellipses? Really? That was necessary?



The NES was not kind to Bavmorda during transition.

Didn't it say about ten seconds ago that the messengers were supposed to be beautiful? Guess someone at Capcom's got a thing for the "mature" ladies.

'Cause, you know, it was funny.

I think I fought enemies with Bavmorda's face in Breath of Fire. Weird little blue-bird-head things.


So, that's the introduction to Willow. By the way, none of that shpiel on messengers/earth and sky spirits is in the original movie.

Castlevania, this is not. Well, let's Start.

*8-bit jailbar slamming noise*

Yes, that horribly disfigured child is Willow. I'm not sure why his face appears to be one giant U printed on his head, but it's all good.

Willow's family. They're noticeably less disfigured. Less.

- If you get tired your trip come back here. You will be able to regain your strength. Before you begin your trip you should talk to your neighbor, the High Aldwin. Be careful.
- (Bunch of freaks)

So that's it? "Good luck saving the world from the invincible demi-god, sweetheart! Don't forget to see your neighbor!" Thanks, guys, really. And why are they calling this a "trip?" I'm not going fishing, I'm saving the world.

...Sigh. Moving on.

His house is fatter than my house!

Huh? A prophecy about a malformed midget saving the world? Go figure.

- Take these magic acorns with you. They can turn anything to stone so it can't move.

hurr hurr get stoned can't move

Who said that?!

*Triumphant 8-bit music*

- If you come back here during your trip I will recharge your magical powers.
- Uhh... 'kay. Leaving now.

As you can see the village of Nelwyn is a very busy and crowded place that is full of activity. Navigating its trafficked avenues can take a bit of time, but you'll get used to it.

I always wondered if there was a way to go around the world in such a way that I'd end up at one of these impossible houses in the distance. I never did get it to work, sadly. Its occupants probably starved to death years ago due to the sheer inaccessibility of their home.


Oh, he was just pretending. Oh well, let's go see Vohnkar for pointy goodies. Hopefully in the form of swords and not wang.

Get used to seeing this frequently. I ran into three of these empty huts just going down the road to Vohnkar's.

Ack! Who keeps saying that?!

*8-bit triumphant noise!*

- It may be heavy and hard to use at first but you should get used to it after a few fights.

So, I'm not absolutely defenseless anymore, huh? Superb.

It was only when I left that I noticed how weird Vohnkar's hut looks. It's all bulgy on one side. I went back in to talk to him, and...

...He seems to think I went through a warzone in the five minutes I was away from his cavernous hut room. But while we're at it, let's go into the menu.

*Funky little 8-bit harmonica noise*

Willow isn't what you'd call a powerhouse right now. Hopefully that'll change later on. Let's throw on the sword and the acorns.

Sword get Long! And acorns for getting things stoned. That'll help a bit. The acorns cost 5 MP a throw, though, so I can't afford to waste them.

That rugged forest, FYI, is the only way out of the village. That means the villagers risk horrible slime-based death every time they want to go outside for a while. How did these people not go extinct?

Additionally, I don't know why it says "Ew" on the screenshot, but I expect Willow gets that reaction often.

GIANT WOMAN! All of my fantasies come true!

...Keep going north on this road.

Bunch of weird extra-dimensional midgets. Oh well. Let's blow this popsicle stand.

Next chapter: CROIKEY! DANGA!

Last edited by Aliosis on Sat Jan 30, 2010 6:12 pm; edited 3 times in total


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Re: Malformed Midgets with Magic: Let's Play Willow for the NES!

Post  Guest on Sun Dec 13, 2009 2:35 am

Okay, we're back with chapter 2. You remember this guy here?

Apparently, he was saying "Ew" about the forest and not our mutilated little hero. "Rugged" describes it about as accurately as "mildly inconvenient" describes having one's dick in a vise.

Sigh. Let's get this part over with.

Right, the rugged forest. Seems simple enough, right? Some giant acorns, but nothing too scary.

Encounter! By the way, every time you encounter an enemy in this game, the trees and grass start waving and spazzing out while someone thrashes on an acoustic guitar and a harmonica. You really simply must hear it to believe it.

As for the slimes, well, other than their erratic movement patterns they aren't so bad. Actually, pretty much every enemy has erratic movement patterns. Stumpy here can only swing or stab with that sword of his; a swing is wider, but has less range. A stab has greater distance, but is much narrower.

Willow's actually down there between the two slimes, but he flashes invisible when he's hit.

BOOM SHAKALAKA! Kick their gelatinous asses, Stumpy!

By the way, this is what happens when you get knocked down to 0 HP. Everything flashes and turns in the negative while an ocean noise is played in the background.

Then bam. You can choose to Continue if you want, but it'll just kick you back to your hut with your stuff equipped. It's faster just to reload a save state. And yes, they are a godsend for a game like this.

Ack, a new enemy! Is that a buffalo?

Hmm, actually it looks more like a rat-dog. Those were in the movie, but all the villagers were killing them pretty easily. How hard can it-

-Hit. Ouch.

If you find yourself up against one of these, throw a goddamn acorn. Trust me.

Moving right along then... more slimes. They do about four damage until you hit the next level, so you can't afford to get hit too many times. Though Willow is, if nothing else, a resilient little bastard.

AHH! SKULLS! Run away, run-


If this looks familiar, it's because the designers like to use repeating landscape. It's fun; it makes everywhere in Willow's world a labyrinth!

I know I was level 2 in a few of these screenshots, but I wasn't spamming save states like I should've, so I kept dying right after leveling up and then having to reload at level 1. Don't think you found a loophole in my explanation.

The slimes a little further in like to split into four mini-blobs upon death. They have the added bonuses of doing as much damage as their parent without any sort of EXP benefit for slaying them. Charming.

So, back up to the skulls. They're actually easier than slimes because all they'll do is drift slowly toward you, picking up speed gradually. If you hit them, they get knocked back with the "dog bark" noise enemies make when you smack them. This breaks their momentum, and they have to drift toward you again. If they're only coming from one direction, it's a snap to dispatch them. Try to maneuver yourself strategically for this.

In other words, don't let this happen. Also, acorns don't work. Get used to that happening a lot.


Oh GOD! Fences, fences! That means a village! I'm saved!

Help... me... coughing up lungs... I don't know how either...

(One pink glowy animation later)

YES! Thank you, random old person! He even recharged my magic. He's better at healing than the wizard and my chromosomally challenged family put together!

This is Dew. The houses in this place look like monsters that are waiting to swallow you whole, but it's a nice place anyway.

Wuh, really? Just like that? Dew is a really nice village. Also, who keeps telling me that I've got this stuff?!

(Triumphant yadda yadda)

Oh yeah! Who's the badass with his swanky new shield of wood that looks like it's made of metal? This midget!

Geez, people are freaking huge in this place.

I can understand my village saying this, but you guys have never even met me before. Why the sudden pressure? Do you ask everyone who comes along to save the village, or just the vertically-challenged sword-swingers?


Huh? What? Healmace? Okay. I don't know how it works, but I'll take it.

(Triumphant something or other)

In case you're curious for some reason, the Healmace does exactly what it promises. Use it, and you'll get healed in a jiffee. The only problem is that it costs 20 MP a pop, so at 34 MP we get exactly one use out of it before it's back to acorns only.

By the way, Willow is an agile little bastard.

Coming up next chapter: Daddy slaying!


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Re: Malformed Midgets with Magic: Let's Play Willow for the NES!

Post  Guest on Sun Dec 13, 2009 3:51 am

Welcome back! Who's ready to beat up Bogarda?

So we go north from the village and the rugged forest into... an even more rugged forest. Color me impressed.

New encounter! Giant wasp things! They appear on the screen, go very slowly toward you, then zoom at you very quickly when they get close enough. One isn't much of a threat; it takes a lot of whacks at this point in the game, but acorns work on them.

This, on the other hand...


By the way, I leveled up on skulls along the way. Nothing to write home about yet, but the EXP values sure are getting up there.

So anyway, we come up to a... skeleton... guarding a cave.

Apparently he's psychic. Or he's telling me that I'm here to see him, whether I like it or not.


dead end number one

number two

Meet the giant snake man. He sure looks intimidating, but he's easier than a rat dog in a fight.

He'll rush you if you get too close, but he gets knocked back each time you hit him. If it weren't for the fireballs he spits out after each hit, you could just do that. As it is, you can smack him twice, then retreat. The wooden shield will block fireballs for some odd reason, but it's very picky about where it lands on you to make it count. So, stab twice, then retreat. You can repeat this until the fight is done.

dammit, three

another snake man

four- Wait a second! I see a pink thing that may or may not be a treasure chest.

(Triumphant blah blah)

(Another triumphant noise)

That "Light of Life" business happens on several chests, actually. It restores your HP to full. Pretty handy in a pinch, but not all chests have it.

I know I fought you a few times already... but I'm going to do it again.

Take that, skull! Level four for me!

Not a bad stat increase. Some enemies will die in one fewer hit now. And only... more than double the EXP that I have to get to 5. Great.

One trip back to a very friendly old man later...

Yes. You kind of... told me that earlier.

Ah yes, can't forget the cackle. You just wouldn't be an evil skeleton without it.


So, cave.

It's got lots of these

Sometimes they're back to back

Sometimes they also have bees. They like to charge at you mindlessly and take an insane number of hits to kill right now.

Or doorways, which, in some cases, can be even more stressful than giant red bees.

Hello chest

Wait, the sword I've been using isn't for battle?

As most swords like to be.

Sweet, thanks. So, about that sword...

Yeah, it changed my attack from 9 to 23. I'm thinking I should keep it.

More bees later

Wow, another chest?

Huh, how'd that get down here? Well, invisibility will sure come in handy-

...Oh. Okay. No light of life either, it seems.

Here's my item list so far. One gold statue, and one ring. It gave me ten more points to my attack, so it sure wasn't kidding about my strength.

I'm really hurt. I should go back to that battle sword chest and scrounge up some light of life.

Oh well... thanks anyway.

I also encounter this little cutie. When he raises his hands, sparkles appear all over the place, and then...

Willow the Pig time! You can't attack or use magic until it wears off, and he's shooting little glowing Cheerios at you until it does. Also, you can't leave the screen until you turn back to normal. I'm not sure why.

No advice on this guy. He just does his thing and then vanishes when you turn back to normal. Kind of a dick.




Uh oh, giant room. This must be the boss area. Healmace'd and ready to rumble.

That 8-bit jailbar door noise from the beginning plays again, and then this guy instantly appears and the door disappears just as instantly.

No, you are!

Boss fight! Boogerda here isn't very hard as far as tactics go.

He runs away from you and throws his axe, which floats in the air for a few seconds then returns to him. That's all he does. Ever. Over and over.

I stab him so hard that he turns invisible for a few seconds.

The end

I hit him so hard he turned back to normal. I'm sure good at my job.

You'll teach me... what?

Umm... thanks?


Well, okay. No problem. Couldn't be harder than this little escapade.

...Fuck. I'm still in the cave. Have to fight my way back out.

Tune in next time for... well, whatever comes next.


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Re: Malformed Midgets with Magic: Let's Play Willow for the NES!

Post  Guest on Sun Dec 13, 2009 4:51 pm

...That was inconvenient. Well, seems you're back just in time to see me progress with Willow's odd little journey to save the world from a bird-faced hag. Let's get moving.

As a sidenote, skulls are the best way to level up at this point in the game. They have predictable movement patterns, spawn fairly often near rest areas, and they give fair EXP.

Exhibit A. Starting to get pretty high in AGI there.

Oh, I don't think I've mentioned this yet, but AGI literally affects how quickly you swing your sword. Different weapons also have different weights, so while you could swing the Long Sword like a helicopter blade at this point, the Battle Sword is slightly slower. But, since new weapons usually have the progressive power of a wrecking ball, it's usually better to go with newer equipment. There are, however, notable exceptions. I'll get to them as we go.

What, no reward for actually saving your dad? Well, fine. My Healcane and I will take our business elsewhere.

Old man healing time.


Sounds like a sidequest. Well, if I ever go fight a giant-ass dragon, I'll be sure to collect the scales on my way out.

But I already... I saved... Bogarda, he...

Leaving Dew. Now.

Thanks, she-hulk.

Time to go west.

She said go west, so let's try it. Although, sheesh, mountains.


Fortunately this cave only has one passageway. I just wanted to mention these guys, as I didn't have a shot of them before.

Giant bird-bats! They form from small little critters that will blink into existence in some cave passages. Getting hit by either the small or large variety will do damage to Willow, but you can take out the small fry in one hit. If two of them touch, then you get a big beasty that flies toward you incessantly until you kill it.

Treasure time!

Small shield. Better than the wooden variety.

...Muahahaha. Come here you little squirt. :revengeemote:

Backtracking to the earlier mountains, we go south to find... skeletons!

Skeletons can be either very easy or unreasonably hard; the difference is not the skeleton type, but rather where you're standing when you encounter them. See, if you attack a skeleton head-on, they'll just block with their shield. In a wide open area like this, you can stand north of them and slightly to the left, and they won't turn toward you to block your sword. In this case, as well, you can fight them one at a time as they'll only approach you if you get close to them.

If you fight them from a southern direction, pray. They hurt when they hit you. Well, actually, there is one little trick, but it's much harder to pull off. When they take a stab at you with their sword, they can't change direction. So, smack their side after feinting them into attacking you.

Skulls! Blue ones! They fight just like their cousins, but they hurt a lot more and take more hits to kill. This will be a recurring theme with enemies.

Blue wasp freaks. See previous comment. Don't waste your time fighting them if you can help it.

Slimes, however, remain as weak and pathetic as they were in the rugged forest. They still make blobs upon death, however.

You'll see this type of background a couple of times as you work your way south/southwest/northwest...

Do NOT, however, go anywhere near this screen. I mean it. Wasps in a narrow forest passage that simply loops around to nowhere is a death sentence.

What's this? A squirrel guarding a bridge?

That was a very long story.

Nothing good will come of this...

Ack! Bees!

...Stop hiding on my stat window! Get down here!

I mean it! Get! Down! Here!

That's better. The battle sword handles like a ceiling fan now.

Blue skeletons! Argh! This is a terrible spot to fight them. The one on the bottom is no problem, but I want to go north. Sometimes you can luck out and they won't spawn here, but otherwise it's rough going.

Ah, this doesn't seem so bad...



I hate trolls. If you encounter them (And thankfully they're fairly rare), you're almost guaranteed to get hit once by their flying tackle. If your swing speed is high enough and they're coming straight at you, you can stab them to death. But their sucky EXP and unreasonable agility make them an enemy you should just hope to never encounter.


I'm at a loss in naming these guys. One FAQ calls them "Hydra" but that doesn't seem right. They look kind of like ettins (Two-headed giants) but they throw fireballs for some reason.

Well, anyway. Big Red here is a pretty easy encounter. If you stand to one side of the passage and wait for his three fireballs, you can easily go around them and go to him. He'll rush you like the snake man, so use the same pattern; stab him twice and then retreat. You can repeat this until he dies. Not bad EXP, but try not to get hit.


Fortunately this isn't anywhere near where I am, but I wanted to include a picture of the rare falling rocks encounter. They're fairly easy to dodge usually, so just go on your way.

Caaaaaaave! Nothing inside it, though. Just a passage to...

DEATH FOREST! Bring the kids!

Hello creepy little lizard things.

Sorry, there was no easy way to go through that dialogue. Trust me.

So, killing a dragon named Matanda, huh? Wonder if he has any scales I can use. I'd like to remind you that two oddly-accented brownies are asking WILLOW to kill a DRAGON. Anyone else want me to do something impossible involving a dragon? Apparently everyone wants a piece of that bastard.

Slimes, huh? Okay. They're not any different than before.

Big Red strikes again. Nothing to worry about.

This isn't so bad. I don't see what the fuss is all abou-




Please don't try to eat me please don't try to eat me please don't try to eat me

Oh. A silent old person who heals me when I step in the door. Okay. That's good.

Gee, thanks. I promise I won't craft a makeshift bong and smoke these. Well, let's go find "Po."

Even more ridiculously tough wasps? Pass.

Their old blue cousins are hanging out too.

Sigh. Time to go see if that kindly old person will heal me again.

Ah, good. Yeah yeah, save Po, got it.

So, here's the stats going in. Not too shabby.

A lovely shade of blue.

Going down

A treasure chest, eh?

Bling bling!

Pretty easy so far. I haven't even encountered anything yet.

AUGH! I can't even hurt this guy with my sword, either! Push past, push past!


Phew, a door.

By the way, that ghost thing in the last shot can't be hurt by the sword either. And after a few seconds it splits into two. I think that counts as rape.

Oh, an... empty room. Beautiful.


Ah, this works.

What a sword indeed. Pretty powerful. No light of life, however. Crying or Very sad

More skeletons... brilliant.

And... more treasure!

Sweet! Dragon-free dragon scales! I'll have to remember to hoof it back to Dew for that reward.

Going up north and east from the flaming sword intersection leads to a cave, starting with this corridor.

Neo snake man. Just as easy as his green buddy, with about the same amount of hits thanks to that sword.


Oh, it's Po. All right then. Hope it doesn't want to eat me.

Sweet! A free ride? That sounds great. Let's start by getting out of-

...Here. Dammit. Well, there was one more corridor south of the Po cave entrance.

Red skeletons? Crap. I haven't seen any red enemies except for the bees. Time to use the power of that flame spell I got from Bogarda! (Yes, I forgot I had it up til now.)


B... but...!

...... Never using that flame spell again.

So, I somehow make it past those red skeletons, only to be ambushed by blue ones on the next screen. Past that, I find yet another doorway.

Oh... crap...

Tune in next time for the next exciting episode!


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Re: Malformed Midgets with Magic: Let's Play Willow for the NES!

Post  Guest on Sun Dec 13, 2009 6:17 pm

Last time on...

Oh... yeah. The dragon.

The chainsmoking dragon, apparently.

I like those odds. Let's get down to brass tacks.

Apparently this is enough to quell the righteous anger of Willow and his awful hairstyle.

So, in chronological order, we have the gold statue, the strength ring, the medicinal herbs (Maaaan), the dragon scale, and now a bracelet.

The skeletons don't want me to leave.

They really



Want me to stay.

God, that was HORRIBLE. I'm fleeing and never looking back at this awful cave.

The exit, final-

(Cue Legend of Zelda puzzle solve noise) Well, that's great and all, but I really need to get back to Dew for that dragon gear I was promised.

affraid WHY!

By the way, as far as I know, nothing can hurt the evil trees. I even tried the fire spell, and it's just as useless as before.

However, I've got an ace up my sleeve. I CHOOSE YOU, OCARINA!

Yes! Warp zone!

You got it dude!

woah wait a second I don't know if this is a good idea

Oh. Okay then.

Hell yeah!

Double hell yeah!

Presenting the newest study in badassery, the dragon gear. The sword swings a lot slower at this level, but one or more higher and it'll be up to par with its weaker brethren.

I flew back to the old person's house. He was ecstatic about Po being rescued, as you can see.

I also encountered this... thing. It flew to the side, dive-bombed me, then teleported back to where it started. Sword didn't work, so I ran.

So, back to this little number.

Bring it on!

Umm... a lake with trees.

Neutral It... it's doing the monster encounter animation but it's playing happy music. I don't know what to make of this.

Holy...! She's bigger than the dragon! And her brood are wandering all over my windows!

This will be quite pivotal to the story. For now, though, it's a sucky magic attack.

I'm going, I'm going! Sheesh. Bossy she-giant.

Sort of a dark little forest, isn't it?

No sign of bad guys, though.

Oops, spoke too soon.

Well, he's more polite than Val Kilmer.

I'm not sure what these things are, but they like to float around for a while before they look constipated and cast the sucky fire spell.


A chest? But I only went about four screens away. This can't possibly have the key.

Well... okay.


Gee. Thanks.

I'll remember it when I pound you in the face for giving me a cheap little necklace when I saved your scruffy hide.

Vanishment. How do they even have handcuffs in this world, anyway?

Two steps south of Marty reveals yet another chest.

The... what?

Even though it boasts that attack power, it won't actually harm most creatures. It WILL, however, harm those pesky ghosts, wizards, and possibly even the trees from before. Even so, most enemies that can be harmed by this sword are best avoided in the first place, unless you need to regain your MP. In which case, slaying Devil Eye enemies will yield this reward.

This looks like a nice place.

Wow, the healing animation makes everything look like it's covered in blood.

She's a man, baby!

ANOTHER cave? Sure, why not!

So... this 'lover' went and got the treasure, came back, and THEN disappeared? Makes sense, I guess.

You are so annoying...

I never quite understood why Sorsha ran up to Marty, put him in handcuffs, and left him alone in a dark forest. Something reaaaaally doesn't add up about that.


Geez. Have these people never heard of "boats" before? I hear they're great for getting across water.

I get the feeling I've heard that somewhere before...

This guy lives in a fantasy world populated by giant snake-men, floating killer skulls, and wandering disco princes who turn people into pigs. But hey! The Nail Clan sounds like a real stretch, huh?!

Goddammit! Fine, I'll go look for that freaky little squirrel from earlier. But I don't expect it'll be easy to-

Oh. That works.

You mean he just gave it to me? Without a quest? Without any sort of hassle?! I... I think I'm going to cry.

Back to the inn to heal.

No doubt what he mumbled went something like, "Gee, I think I'll go get toasted while that freaky little mutant is defeating Bavmorda."

Almost to the end of the update. Promise.

Blah blah blah TOWERS blah blah blah BAVMORDA blah blah blah AFRAID OF TOWERS.

...Fuck it, I'm going to get a level up around here with a training montage.

Try to be best
�Cause you�'re only a man
And a man'�s gotta learn to take it

Try to believe
Though the going gets rough
That you gotta hang tough to make it

History repeats itself
Try and you�'ll succeed

Never doubt that you'�re the one
And you can have your dreams!


You�'re the best!
Nothin'�s gonna ever keep you down!
You'�re the Best!
Nothin'�s gonna ever keep you down!

You're the best! AROUND!

Nothin's ever gonna keep you dow-ow-ow-ow-own!

Well, I guess one level is good enough for now.

Turtle crabs! We'll get to them later.


No enemies, fortunately


Tune in next time for PLOT TWISTS!

Last edited by Aliosis on Mon Dec 14, 2009 9:45 pm; edited 1 time in total


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Re: Malformed Midgets with Magic: Let's Play Willow for the NES!

Post  Guest on Sun Dec 13, 2009 9:05 pm

Now where were we? Ah yes.




Actually, you have to be at level 13 before you can successfully turn Raziel back to normal. Until then, just go about your business with the storyline.

There's another cave entrance just north of Raziel's crib. And past a bit of shoreline-

...Goddamn turtle crabs.

That's an awful manly looking soldier chick. Sorsha, anyone?

I'm really not sure how well founded her arbitrary arrest is. I mean, if it were indeed legal to arrest someone in this world for being a creeper, there would be about 20% of the population left over. And that still doesn't explain why she left the key in a random chest and then dumped him in the woods.

Well, back to that second cave.

Nice place, isn't it?

Back, pesky ghost! I've got the sword of ghost-hurty now!

Those company gas cards? Huh. I didn't think very many places took them as-is, but where am I even going to find a gas station in this world?

Umm... great?

I tried to use a screenshot for every single part of the cave in order to improve continuity.

I began to realize very quickly that I was doing us all a favor by only capping here and there.

Yes! Fresh air!

Dead end on the right.

Enemies on the left. Let me go over these guys a bit since they're rather distracting. They jump out of the water in your general vicinity, spin around for a few seconds in an invincible form, then they expose their red crabby parts and scuttle side to side. You can then hurt them, but they'll occasionally fire bubbles at you which can sometimes by deflected by the shield. Also, they do a lot of damage when they hit you.

You turtle crabs can't stop me! I'm free! Free!

And I'll... oh, dammit.

Here we go again...

...I really shouldn't screencap every screen, should I.

Ahhhh! I'm tripping balls! Another benign-music encounter effect!

Oh. Well that clears everything right up.

A dead lady's flute, huh? Well, okay, I guess I can take it.

God, that was weird.

Lay off the shrooms for a bit, Willow.

Note: I didn't go in this cave yet. At this point I ran back to a few of the forks in the previous cave to explore. Hence, you'll notice a bit of continuity error here. Enjoy.

A useful-looking dead end that is, in fact, quite useless.

Yup, an island to nowhere. Go figure.

Ah, a way out. Big room. Well, I'll just-

ACK! No! I didn't use my Healcane before stepping into the room!

In fact, this boss would be able to kill me in one hit at this point. Guess you'll be expecting a bunch of flashing white death screens here, eh? Not so! You see, I figured out his combat pattern without taking a single unit of damage! After you hit him once, he sends a series of spikes out at you like a machine gun. These can be avoided by going to the outer perimeter of the room and running in a circular manner. A couple of spikes DID hit me, but my shield deflected them through something I can only call a complete miracle. Observe, and ph34r my 1337 combat skillz!


That is also nice!

Eww. Vore cosplayers.

You like dialogue, right? Of course you do. Here you go!

Eww. There are people trying to save the world in here, you know. At least clean up your mess before going to the afterlife.

Redundancy is redundant.

Like all proper conversations should, this ends with me receiving a spell of cataclysmic destruction. Yeeeeeees.

Getting pretty tough, eh?

I'm going to do you guys a favor: I screencapped every painful bit of my treasure hunt around the caves, but I'll just throw in the notables.

A wind spell that, surprise surprise, is mostly useless.



Some magic book you got there, Willow. Good job.


Plus Bombard

More bees

Willow is challenged by a wizard to a duel on the dance floor.

Sadly, Willow loses.



Mountains! Oh, what's this?

Coming up next chapter: The two towers!

Last edited by Aliosis on Mon Dec 14, 2009 9:48 pm; edited 2 times in total


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Re: Malformed Midgets with Magic: Let's Play Willow for the NES!

Post  Guest on Mon Dec 14, 2009 1:39 am

Right, so, random structure in the middle of the mountains. Let's investigate.

Wait, is the baby talking, or the person holding her?

Well, whatever.

'Kay. Two spirits on two towers? This is going to be a repetitive quest, isn't it.

Clowns to the left of me

Jokers to the right!

Here I am, stuck in the middle with you

Yes I'm stuck in the middle with you

And I'm wondering what it is I should do

It's so hard to keep this smile from my face

Losing control, yeah, I'm all over the place!

Clowns to the left of me

Jokers to the right!

Here I am, stuck in the middle with you

Well, you started out with nothing

And you're proud that you're a self-made man

And your friends, they all come crawlin'

Slap you on the back and say please... please...

Trying to make some sense of it all

But I can see that it makes no sense at all

Is it cool to go to sleep on the floor?

'Cause I don't think that I can take anymore

Clowns to the left of me...

Jokers to the right!

Here I am, stuck in the middle with you

Well you started out with nothing

And you're proud that you're a self-made man

And your friends, they all come crawlin'

Slap you on the back and say please...


Well I don't know why I came here tonight

I got the feeling that something ain't right

I'm so scared in case I fall off my chair

And I'm wondering how I'll get down the stairs

Clowns to the left of me...

Jokers to the right!

Here I am, stuck in the middle with you...

Yes I'm stuck in the middle with you...

Here I am, stuck in the middle with you...

So it's basically YOUR fault she's gone all berserk and stupid and world-conquery. Way to go, Sky Guy.

Less chatty, more crystal.

That's better. Yeah, you'd better vanish.

Hey Elora baby! I got one of the crystals!

There's just no pleasing some people... fine.

Right, let's try that left tower.

Oh boy. This won't be boring to climb at all.

I already used my musical montage for the post, so you guys are stuck traveling this one in silence.

I'd just like to add that whoever assigned these guys to guard duty really isn't taking me seriously at this point. One skeleton? Ooooh, that'll do it.

MP-stealing ghosts, on the other hand, are a viable tactic and will very nearly be the death of me in this tower.


This spirit looks... moldier than the other one.

Outstanding. Let's go see that baby about a crest.

About time! Let's go smash this in Bavmorda's beak before it gets stolen from me in a prison cell or something.

...You just HAD to say that, didn't you?! Now it's going to happen and I'm going to have to take the bitch down! Augh...!

Now that's what I'm talking about. Let's knock down Nockmaar. First, however...

Fin Raziel, you hangin' out in this cave? I wanna try turning you back to normal again!


Okay, now let's go see what Sorsha is... Sorsha? Where'd you go?

...Eh, oh well.

Coming up next: Mountains, Gandalf, mountains!


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Re: Malformed Midgets with Magic: Let's Play Willow for the NES!

Post  Guest on Mon Dec 14, 2009 10:59 pm

So, now that Sorsha and Generic Soldier #37 are inexplicably out of the way, we can move on to our next destination. But first!


Also, watch out for falling rocks. They're not a rare encounter anymore, and for some reason they do more damage now than they did before.

Hell-red wasps. About as much fun as you'd expect.

Hell-red skulls. About as good a source of EXP as you'd expect.

Black bees. These things pack a whallop. There's probably a racist comment in there somewhere.

Dead ends never get old, do they?

More skulls. Nothing new yet, but I'm not too far-


JESUS CHRIST! Run, Willow, fucking RUN!

Thank god... a hell-red snake man. I can deal with that.

Treasure is good too.


Umm... okay...?

Big Blue. Just like Big Red, but tougher.

House?! Safety?! Mountains?!

Well that's... that's great. Thanks.

Actually, Thunder is a very useful spell. It can kill most creatures in one hit, and doesn't require aim. I'll be using this later on for power leveling.

By the way, just north of this isolated mountain house is a treasure chest containing Healball. It's a stronger version of Healmace. Sadly, I didn't grab it when I was playing, and by the time I got back here it was gone.

More constipated magic users.

Blue divebomb wizard. You know, I just remembered something. When I first played this game, I thought these guys were some kind of spectral ostrich.

Level up.

Another one! These things used to scare the crap out of me as a kid.

This one looks rather unsure what to make of me.

That sounds like a terrible idea for a shield.

Oh well. It's the best I have right now.


This looks a little nicer.


Turns out this is where that monster bone spell comes into play. Cast it before the Magic Mouths here activate, and...

You can glide safely across them. The spell wears off after a while, though, and you can't attack or use magic until it does.

Joy of joys, another cave.

Apparently I'm in Hell.

What gave it away? The hair? Or the fact that I'm roughly three feet tall?

I'm sure none of this will be of any consequence later on. Let's leave the crazy old man in his Hell cave and keep going.

Hell has many dead end rooms like this.

And yellow ostriches.

And more dead ends like this.

And several four-way intersections with yellow ostriches. Originality. Willow has it.


Watch for falling rocks.

Skeletons are back too

Ah, a bridge. Let's see what-

Neutral Bridge, why you gotta play a brotha?

This bridge is cursed for some reason, and we can't cross it until we have a specific item. So let's check out that cave.

It's a bit more purple than most.

Bees love it here.

And... bird men, too, apparently?

Sweet! A new sword! But there's just one catch... more on that later. For now we're keeping the dragon sword on a bit longer.

Thanks, random old hermit.

The game is terrible about this part, but you're supposed to go back to that old man at this point and grab the necessary bridge-crossing tool from him.

So, let's backtrack out of this cave and into the mount-


Skeletons? Well then, I'll just have to break through them and-


M... maybe... my legs were crushed by rocks, and my torso has been pierced by skeleton swords, but if I can just get some healing...

Why were you wearing... what do I... what...?

But... internal bleeding...!

Well, at least they work. And I'm feeling better after using my last reserves of MP for Healmace.

More ostrich related hijinks.

Even more.

A cave, aptly played by Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-LP.

Coming up next: "Everything will be all right once we get to Tir Asleen!"


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Re: Malformed Midgets with Magic: Let's Play Willow for the NES!

Post  Guest on Wed Dec 16, 2009 8:08 pm


And Tir Asleen is about as busy as the other villages I've been to.

Huh... okay. Paranoid little wench.

FINALLY. Bring it on, healing blood!

Oh yeah, there's a lot of these, by the way. 6 or 7 out of 10 of the places in the village have this result.

I need more mountains. Yeeees.

Oooh, a castle.

West and down of the castle is a locked house.

East and up is... snake man.

By the way, it's getting darker.




Except for the radioactive giant enemies.

Big white. Like his cousins however he still enjoys yellow boots. Apparently they go with any skin color.

ANOTHER one? What the hell is up here?

...Really, Willow? Really?

Nobody in this world takes poor Willow seriously. Oh well, let's go back down to Tir Asleen.

This is right and down of the castle.


...Lurks a most unusual chest.

'Kay, oh well. Let me past.

...Wait a second. Go away. I want to go in that door.

That's great, but... ARGH!

That's right, a goddamn TREASURE CHEST is blocking a doorway and Willow refuses to clamber over it or even nudge it to the side so he can see what's further in.

Sigh... back to Tir Asleen proper.

While we're on the subject of annoying treasures, here's why we don't use the Wing Sword; it's useless. We won't see an improvement in it until the very end of the game, when it becomes the best sword ever.

So, Tir Asleen castle.

It's got skeletons!

It's got hallways!

Evilest ghosts you know, as well.

Stairs leading up. Do you have stairs in your castle?

Darker hallways.

Also featuring the newest brand of ineffectual enemies, guards!

The guards are kind of like skeletons, except they have a slower attack animation and they can't block your attacks. In other words, free EXP.

Yeah, I'm really scared.

Why are there monsters in this castle anyway?

Ah, the battle shield.

It's the best shield right now, but that'll change in about ten minutes. Enjoy it while it lasts.

Gaudily dressed wizards.

More treasure? I went like five screens away.


(I made a funny)

It's also the best sword currently, but that'll change in even less time than the shield.

Going down

Hey, an NPC. I never see those.

God, that must be a kick in the pants. "Sorry, random freakish midget, but I'm too scared to take on the monster in the next room. Please kill it for me!"

Awwww yeah.

Now I know what you may be thinking, at least at the end of the next sentence. "But Aliosis, the Kaiser Sword has 9 points less attack power than the Wonder Sword!" Fear not, for the Kaiser Sword swings about three times faster than the Wonder Sword at this level. Sometimes it's actually a better idea to sacrifice power for speed in this game.



So, the Eborsisk.

It moves back and forth and shoots fireballs that go roughly half the speed of an old lady with a shopping cart.

Don't be scared by its wallhax and Airk's simpering. It's one of the easiest bosses in the game. You see, it has one fatal weakness...

...Swinging the sword hits it four or five times in succession.

That's what a lifebar looks like when it laughs at something.

EXP boost anyone?

Now let's go through that...


...What the hell just happened?


...Well, raspberries. That's not good. Still, I have all of my equipment intact. I guess it could be worse.




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Re: Malformed Midgets with Magic: Let's Play Willow for the NES!

Post  Guest on Wed Dec 16, 2009 9:26 pm


Is... is Madmartigan going to rape me?


...Huh, there's a hole in the wall now.

I have never been so happy to see two scantily clad male pixiefolk in my entire life.

Rool is so awesome. I don't care what anyone says.

Uh, no. Madmartigan already tried something like that. I really don't want it.

I don't know...

Aww, I could never say no to you, Rool.

Super. All five of the women I've seen in the game that aren't old should be easy to woo with this.

What a jackass. He just wanders away instead of doing anything remotely useful YET AGAIN.

So, we escape the castle (After more HALLWAYS!) and go back to that stupid treasure chest cave.

But there's an evil chest in...

...There. Wow. The brownies did two useful things in ten minutes. I'm actually impressed.

Yup, first level skeletons. They decided to hang out here.

Anger AND hatred? Sweet. I'll be invincible

The Fury Shield is the final and therefore best shield in the game.

First level snake man? Please.

Nope, second level won't do either.

Getting up there...




Stupid mountain-hacking wizard.

It's getting nighttimey. Must be an evil place coming up.

Dammit run.



That's an awfully NPC looking guard.

The game gives you absolutely no clues about what to do next, so here it is.

Yup, a Nockmaar guard is scared of slimes. Bavmorda's got the best people working in HR.

Red guards. They take more hits to get their asses kicked than blue guards.

Cool designs in Nockmaar castle, by the way. Doesn't the floor look like it's made out of sausage?

Hell-red wizards. Fuck that noise.

Another bird man! This one's red. Could it be...?

Abik's brother, Abang!

...Sheesh, who names these things?

Keep it in your pants, buddy.

Oh, the Wing Sword. Okay.

Yup, we have to leave the final dungeon in the game to grab a key before we can actually beat it. Willow loves you.

Well, this is it. The best equipment in the game. Impressed?

Fly me away, Po!

Yup, I have to lie about Airk to get the key from the bitch who thinks he's the important one instead of Willow. I shouldn't be surprised, but... I still hope that old crone gets an evil mountain face encounter the next time she goes for a walk.

All the flight paths have been unlocked. All... six of them. Not sure why I'd need to go to Nelwyn village instead of, say, Fin Raziel's cave, but there you have it.

By the way, I am indeed going to the bar. Why, you ask?

Mass turtle crab genocide.

Yup, the Thunder spell is instant death to these guys, and they're worth a total of 300 EXP per encounter. They're also a guaranteed spawn here, which means I can spam the spell...

Rest at the bar...

Then lather, rinse, and repeat...

...Many times.

Take THAT, blue skull!


Oh, by the way, this is one of two times I've seen this appear. If you grab this sparkly coin thing, it restores some of your HP. It's not nearly as common as it should be.

Bam, level 13.

Let's go shapechange a messenger.

Will Willow succeed? Will Fin Raziel be turned back to normal?

Find out...



No, this isn't the game. I did a screenshot while the dialogue window was scrolling.

There, done. And if I go back inside to see Razzy?

Great, just... great. I get to run into the castle by myself.

Before we move on to the final chapter, let's take a look at all the crap Willow has accumulated on his funny little journey. Oh, you're going to notice something... odd, as well.

I used a password to get Willow to level 16 and skip to Nockmaar castle. I did the rest of the game legit, but take a look at the experience gap! In order to go from level 13 to level 16 I would have had to have earned more than double the EXP I've accumulated from the entire game! I love slaughtering crab turtles as much as anyone, but it would have taken hours, if not days, to climb normally. I am NOT putting days' worth of game time into Willow, of all things. So there.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah.

In order from left to right and top to bottom: Long Sword, Battle Sword, Flame Sword, Dragon Sword, Wing Sword, Devileye, Kaiser Sword, Wonder Sword.

Same order: Wood Shield, Small Shield, Gold Shield, Dragon Shield, Metal Shield, Tail Shield, Battle Shield, Fury Shield.

Same order: Gold Statue, Strength Ring, Medicinal Herbs (MAAAAAAN), Dragon Scale, Thief's Bracelet, Key, Cross Flute, Earth Crystal, Sky Crystal, Wakka Seed (Ya?!), Nockmaar Key, Necklace, Powder of Unrequited Love, Witch Shoes.

Incidentally, the blank space was where the Crest used to be. You know, before Kael snaked it off of us.

Also, did you notice that every single item in this game has a use except for Madmartigan's necklace? God, that guy is useless.

Same order: Magic Acorns, Bombard, Renew, Thunder, FireFlor (Flowing Fire), Cherlindrea's Cane, Terstorm, Healcane, Po's Ocarina, Fleet, Specter, Healball.

I know I didn't get to a lot of these spells, so I'll explain a couple.

Bombard is a hit-all enemy attack, as is Terstorm. I found them to be pretty much useless since I used my MP for healing and my sword for attacking.

Renew will downgrade certain enemies. For example, if you fought an orange snake man, casting Renew would turn him into a green snake man. Obviously, this makes EXP gathering a bit difficult.

Fleet will teleport you out of a dungeon. You know, like a pussy.

Healball recovers more HP than Healcane.


Next chapter... Nockmaar, the final episode.


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Re: Malformed Midgets with Magic: Let's Play Willow for the NES!

Post  Guest on Wed Dec 16, 2009 10:32 pm

...So. Who's ready for one of the most annoying parts of the game? If not THE most most annoying part of the game?

As a bit of background, I've played the final dungeon of Willow several times in my youth. I've beaten Kael before, but I've never, ever beaten Bavmorda. This isn't because she was especially difficult, but because I was fairly incompetent at playing video games at age six. This marks the first time I will have actually gone through the entire game and then finished it.

Ready? Let's rock.

I probably wasn't very good about explaining this before, but every single dungeon in Willow is a freakishly annoying maze. Nockmaar castle is probably the first one, however, that actually does this on purpose.

In case you couldn't tell by the lack of expletives and unnecessary screenshots, I'm using a map on an FAQ.

Three floors? No dungeon has had three floors so far! Well, except the towers, but they don't really count.

Skipping floors. They're too small to bother with, and they only have duplicate corridors. Until...

Sheesh, somebody is ALWAYS capturing Madmartigan. I don't think I've seen a sprite for him that isn't sitting on the ground like a little bitch.

Yes. I've... met you before, you know.

That's one way. Or how about...


HA! He's YOUR problem now, bitch!

Sorsha! Complete topic change!

Oh that's a crock of... you guys never did anything! Well, except the ones who healed me and the blacksmith and the squirrel who gave me the Wakka seed. But that's it! Also, didn't he say he didn't believe in the Nail clan? He never did see any of them...

...This can't possibly work.

...How the hell did that work?!

And so Madmartigan and Sorsha vanish, never to appear again. By the way, that stuff about the crest in the basement? You can go down there after this conversation and check out a chest, but it's empty. Great, huh?

Boss room?


Time to kick your skull-helmeted ass, Kael!

...Crap. Okay, I can handle him. Just rush him head on and-


So, a few funny things about fighting Kael. One is that he's got more health than Willow no matter what. He also can't be dodged if you're fighting him head on.

So, it seems like it'd be a good idea to hit him from the side, right?

You can't see him right now, but that isn't because he took damage. It's because attacking from the side pisses him off so much he runs at you faster than my emulator can screenshot. What does this mean for me? Well,

...That's what.




So, what's the trick to beating Kael?

Don't move until he stops swinging. Turns out Willow's shield will block all of Kael's attacks as long as they're from his sword. Then, stab the motherfucker. Even so, there's no way to tell when he'll stop swinging his sword until the window to attack may be too late, so your best bet is to hope he doesn't start attacking again while you're stabbing. He does recoil from your attack, but he doesn't give much ground.




So, it's only slightly less ridiculous how much it takes to kill Kael in the game compared to the movie. I almost feel like three swords in his chest and a fall off a rampart would have been easier to pull off in this fight.

At this point, we switch to the level 16 password. There's another reason for this besides what I've mentioned, but I'll get to that soon.

Guards and dolls!

Nanananana guards and dolls!

The music up here is pretty cool, by the way.

Long way up...

...Zuh? What happened to the doors?


...Dammit, Bavmorda is ugly as sin.

We'll see about that, Beakmorda!

So, they're on an even footing.

Bavmorda's only attack is to fly around the room dropping fireballs in her wake. You can take damage from either the fire or from Bavmorda herself. But guess what the twist is?

You can only damage Bavmorda with the Cane! Yup, the sword is useless in this section of the fight.

In fact, you can only beat Bavmorda at level 15. Otherwise, you won't have enough MP to kill her, even if you go into the fight with full MP and never miss a shot. Miss too much, or go in underleveled, and you get to run around like a tool until she kills you.

Sounds like about the kind of freakishly frustrating final boss you'd expect for this game, huh?


What next, you ask?

Willow dialogue-exits out of Bavmorda's cries for mercy. It's about damn time he did something badass.

Apparently the fight now takes place on the intro title screen. Or stuff just blew the hell up. Either way, this is the final battle.

It's exactly the same fight on Bavmorda's end, but...

Now you can slice, dice, and stab the bitch.

As evidenced here...

And here...

And here and here and here and here!

The fight is heating up!

This is for the annoying as hell bosses!

THIS is for the maze-like towns, dungeons, and overworld!

THIS is for the killer trees and mountain faces!

THIS is for Willow's hideously mutated face!

THIS is for unnecessary dead ends!



Owned much?

What about MY wealth and happiness? I saved the world!

Sigh... fine.

Thanks David, thanks Moe. Glad to know you had two people working on the program for this wonderful piece of art.

Get this next part...

With names like Tom-Ron, Fish Man, and Tall Nob, how could the monsters be anything but masterful creatures of terror and grace?

Seriously, Mega Man villains had more depth than the bosses in this game.

Ah, so that's why this game felt like an impossible non-jumping Mega Man game.

Super vision there, Capcom.

Finally. That's it. That's the end of the game. Finito burrito.

Thanks for joining me for this LP. This is Aliosis, signing off. And praying I never decide to approach this game again. Good night!


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Re: Malformed Midgets with Magic: Let's Play Willow for the NES!

Post  Legion on Fri Dec 18, 2009 9:05 am

Awesome.. I am now officially your fan!

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Re: Malformed Midgets with Magic: Let's Play Willow for the NES!

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